In the title, I refer to the father, but a father does not have to say: ‘Wait for your mother to come.’ When a mother is angry – or a father – she can say this phrase to a child with a tantrum or who is being stubborn to get him to listen in a desperate moment of not knowing what to do. It doesn’t matter if you are at home or on the street; that kind of phrase simply should never be said.
When you are in a moment of tension, where you notice that something inside you is not quite right and that you want to scream or show your darkest part to your children, you will have to stop immediately. Then close your eyes, breathe and say within yourself: ‘I really am a decent mother/father. This moment says nothing about my son or me, I am a good father / good mother, and my son is a good boy / good girl. ‘
It is not the only solution.
When a father or mother feels overwhelmed and does not know how to act, they decide to take responsibility and try the only ammunition they have left: the threat of the other parent. Sometimes when this happens, the child may stop what he or she is doing and not want the other parent to find out what is happening at that moment. There are mothers (and fathers) who feel that the combat troops are the father (or the mother in the case of the father) and hide behind him: ‘As your father finds out …’, ‘How come mother you will find out,’ etc. But saying this should NEVER be an option.
The feeling of defeat
It is possible that on some occasion when you did not know what else to do when you felt that you did not have any help in front of your children’s tantrums, or you felt so emotionally tired (or tired) that you did not know how to find another solution, you focused on that phrase just to try to get your kids to behave properly. You realized that what you were doing was just not working, and you desperately wanted your children to calm down or do what you were asking them to do.
But when this happens, instead of feeling like you’ve won a small victory as a mother or father, you feel defeated and angry with yourself for what you just said. You will probably also promise to never say a phrase like that again.
You are taking away authority.
When you threaten your children with the threat of your father or mother, you are telling them that they do not have to listen to you, that they should not obey the person who is right in front of them. You are telling him that your word is not the last word; you are showing your insecurity as a parent. You tell them that the other parent is the boss and that you don’t have the same power as him/her.
In this way, you will be making the other parent more powerful simply because you don’t know what else to do or what else to say. If you say things like: ‘Wait until your father – or mother – finds out about this,’ your children will learn that what you are saying is simply not valuable, and they will think that you are not as valuable as the father or the mother – the other parent. They will stop respecting you. Your children will be learning this because it is what you are telling them.…